Top ten worse video game “sidekicks” (spoilers)

Gaming rules. From rescuing princesses and blowing the shit out of alien invaders, games fucking rule. And it takes a badass mother fucker to push a game forward a hero (or villain) cool enough to make gamers want to play as them and keep them alive. And when every there is coolness there is the tag along, the followers, the useless turd that the main character lags around. I’m Talking about sidekicks in gaming. Its a nice idea that when you’re gaming alone you have a little virtual pal helping you, but more often than not they just get in the way or fuck up your plan completely or even just be totally useless. This is ROAEM’s top ten fucking useless turds that call them selves sidekicks.

#10. Max Payne supports:
Max Payne is an unlucky fucker. First his entire family is slaughtered, then he ends up with a bunch of dumbasses and freaks helping him. He first contact is shot in the face before he could help you in anyway by your next helper! Then there is Mona who just drugs you and fucks with your head. And of course the one eyed wierdo who you don’t even know if he is on your team, not to mention the collective bunch of npc’s who just get shot along they way after they tried to help you.

#9 The companion cube - Portal:
Although useful, the companion cube was in alot of ways over hyped. You just expected more form your cube and it failed to deliver, leaving you perfectly capable to burn its pointless ass pretty quickly. Also it didn’t talk, no threats to stab me or advice … Nothing. Just a normal box with a love heart. Piece of shit.

#8 Ashleigh - resi evil4:
Ugh… Where to begin. Her stale voice acting, her fugly face, huge ears, her annoying little habits and phrases. But the thing that got her on this list was the bit where she tastes blood and push’s Leon to run right into a fucking trap wall and get herself caught. And she is a slut she effectively askes Leon to fuck her at the end of the game wich is a disgusting thought that he thankfully declines.

 #7 Miles – suffering series:
Black guys in gaming (with the exceptions of the GTA and Saint Row series) have always been awesome, I mean look at Eli Vance and Sgt Johnson, they kicked ass! But alas… there is one among the flock who is a pointless prick. He randomly enters the already fucked up storyline of SufferingTies that bind with his gangsta lingo and door opening skills, but basically he is just a break from slaughter. And lets face it no one likes a break from slaughter. He is like 50 cent stopping you eating cake.

#6 Nurse(s) - Trauma Centre:
Useful tips are handy when surgery becomes complicated and spelling out the process can really help, shame half the time they are one step behind or just forget to tell you what to do next leaving you floating inside someone’s body hacking them up with a scalpel,  guessing how to cure shit. Their annoying dialogue and stupid facial expressions don’t help either.

#5 Luigi – Super Mario Bros:
luigi is one of the best know faces in gaming, why? Because he is marios brother, that’s why. However despite this he is still completely fucking useless. Unlike Mario he is a thin streak of piss and scared shitless of anything. He barely lifts a finger to help half the time and yet most Mario games are called super Mario bros. Implying he actually did anything in the game apart form shit his pants.

#4 Timeplitter helpers:
The A.I sometimes takes over in Timesplitters when you’re playing single player to give you a hand, but it never seems to work out. They either walk to slow, shoot to slow, aim to badly, cant drive, get in the way, fuck up your battle plan its all there. The list goes on but the main fuck up with these sidekicks is that their animations are just like the enemies and thus it makes you feel like your playing alongside some regurgitated coding.

#3 Whisper – Fable:
Congratulations! You are going to be trained to be a hero! Here is Whisper your bunk mate, she will mock you, humiliate you, bully you, try to kill you several times, oppose you, fail to do any fucking damage at all in the arena leaving you to fend for yourself and finally claim that you are her best friend. If this is a problem just the kill the cunt like the rest of us did when you first get the chance.

#2 Tails – Sonic:

 (This is where me and Dr Zzaius was torn by who should be first.)

Tails is absolutely worthless. For one he is about what, 3 years old? What sick bastard brings a three year old into a fight against spiked killing machines? Also his attacks do fuck all to bosses and it makes whoever is playing tails feel like a twat for not snatching the player one control first. Then there is the fact he cant even keep up with sonic because tails is just an average freak unlike sonic who is a super freak. Then there is the small fact he is the king of furries, nuff said.

And finally…#1 343 guilty spark – Halo series:
I don’t recall there ever being a worse sidekick in gaming history. It wasn’t because he was useless because we saw his fuck off laser in halo 3, it was the fact that he didn’t use it to help you as you were bum-rushed by flood. He used you like a bitch to try and kill every sentient life in the Galaxy. He just twittered away as you were getting whipped and blown to fuck. He gave away the position of earth and the arc to the covenant. But his biggest crime and the reason is number one is because he murdered Sgt Johnson. Remember how i said Sgt Johnson kicked ass? Noticed “kicked” he can no longer kick ass or take names, he can no longer get that sniper kill that saves your ass, he can no longer say “aw bric-a-brac” when you die because of your little floating sidekick.

So there you have it, top ten worst “sidekicks“. And one last thing, I asked my non gamer friend Slammer what her worst side kick was, she replied:

Oh I know…

on jazz jack rabbit

where you could be jazz or spazz,

and spazz actually just was a fucking spazz.

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