All in all, it hadn’t been a good day.

All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent co-workers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fibre cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed, about to go.

I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one.
3. Poo on seat.
4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude – a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2)My colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come.
(3)The bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

“Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??”

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up…in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…”

Followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

I fit into the nicely coloured orange section of Dr Z’s rant on japan freaks. I do like manga and anime and i understand the art work and blah de blah blah blah. I indulge myself now and then and i enjoy it. However there is one thing i cannot abide and its this naruto Fandom.
For all who art familiar with naruto congratulations on your new Internet connection. Naruto is the harry potter story of ninjas the main character bieng Naruto. They go to ninja school learn ninja crap and try to be ninjas with there own super ‘awesome’ back storys *insert sarcastic smile*.

Right now my problem isnt with the story (though it has some MASSIVE fucking flaws) or the art. My porblems lie with the characters and the fans. So lets hit the actual characters first.
Naruto is a loud mouthed arogant orphan with a big nasty fox shoved painfuly up his little cunt. He has a fucking iratating catchphrase that i sharnt even diginifyby repeating… He wears a bright orange jumpsuit and his main ninja “skill” is turning into a woman.
Now thats what i call a great mixture for a ninja *insert and even more sarcastic smile*. Lets look back  at just WTF is a ninja? A ninja was a spy who didnt get seen (and thus slashed to shit) and genraly snuck into places to rember something or nick sommit and then GTFO without being seen. They rarely used weapons and rarely fought because this would mean they have failed and it would be easyer to just kill themselves.
With this in mind what use is a cross dressing loud mouthed terrys chocolate orange impersonater in ye olde japan?
Well theres another shit stain right there cos we dont know if its ye olde japan or indeed japan at all. There are signs of the modern world evident and yet everyone is fucking around with big swords and petty knives. It would be a nice relief to see Kazuo Kiriyama (YEAH FUCKING BATTLE ROYALEREFERENCE BITCH) tear into the protagonists with a m10 and grenade launcher.

Next character on my shit list is sasuke. I really wana just say “see emorants” and go into my kitchen and get some ice cream but that would be seriously neglecting my duty as a manga and anime fan to verbaly rape this massive cum soaked boob of a cliche. Sasuke is the most popular character in naruto because apparently 9-13 years olds havnt seen this samey shit cliche EVERYWHERE. My god he is silent…ooo he must be thinking…wow mysterious. In actualy fact its more likley that sasuke is contiplating how many times he can  turn down easy sex with the pink haired bitch because he is secreatly gay. BUT STOP THE FUCK RIGHT THERE!! I have inivertable stepped onto Sasuke biggest fan group of all. The Yaoi FREAKS. And yes you are freaks!
For you who arnt aware Yaoi means gay hentai.  And if your not sure what hentai is get your parents round go on google image search unfiltered and type in “hentai” *insert sarcastic thuumbs up*.
Sasuke seems to really enjoy and exploit Rule 34 (which btw i wont be explaining because if u dont know what rule 34 is you can fucking google it like the rest of us) to the extent that jack the ripper would shed a tear.

Pink haired bitch doesnt do anything.

Right am bored of chattin bout the plot holes and boring shit so lets flame the REAL cunts. The fans.
Again i understand that alot of naruto fans are nice normal people who eat cheese like everyone else. But its the die hards and the liberlings that make me wana take a broken DVD to my face.

so heres a round up of some types of naruto fans.

1. FORUM HUMPPER: These are the fans that are on EVERY forum and will defend naruto till there fingers bleed from typing badly. often found to be saying things such as “STFU nuuub!!!11 u sux NARUTO fucking rullezzzzzzzzzzz yeah? and ur just a faggot cos ur fucking gay and FUCK YOU!!!!!!111oneoneone”
2. The hardcore: These put up more of a fight when it comes ot naruto. They hit you with every possable good thing about naruto and every possable fact and info. They quote lines like some crazy religeous mantra and praise Naruto and all its shitty spin offs like some unholy god.
3. The liberling: Admitably this type is the ost sypathisable group there just too fucking stupid anf young to know otherwise. They missed out on akira and ninja scroll and thus have nothing to capare this shit to except for pokemon whitchis now “uncool”.

 All the above can and should be classed as “Narutards”

My point is this (cause am getting fucking hungry for this ice cream) when a fan base this massive can’t even descide on how the title of the fucking show is pronounced then its only going to head the same way as christianity which is never NEVER good. Especialy if your into yaoi…

.akco.

p.s fuck you.

Anime [Pronounced Car·toon] is one of those things which is either ignored or obsessed over by most of society. Although I, over a period of time, have begun to despise it. Not just the content of the actual shows, but more a hatred of the people who watch it and obsess over it.

The art style of anime/manga in general (though there are some exceptions) is lazy and childish. I understand though, that they are basically cartoons so it is not meant to look 100% realistic. It is when the anime geeks rage when you say this, and continue to say that western comics are more childish and less realistic that pisses me off so much. How can anyone say that a 14 year girl with breasts bigger than her head and eyes the size of watermelons is more realistic than you average American/European illustrations? It makes my mind rot as it slowly prances down the road to insanity.

Now, onto the typical ‘Wapanese’ (or weeaboo as it some people use).

-First you must understand that there is a definite difference between normal anime fans and wapanese. Anime fans being people who watch/read anime every now and then, watch some Asian films or play Japanese games. These people don’t annoy me as they don’t fantasise about being Japanese or have marathon sessions of the shit fest that is ‘Naruto’.

Weeaboos, on the other hand make my heart stop, as my hatred for them has done nothing but risen over time.
Weeaboos are people who worship Japan and wish so hard that they were Japanese, so much that they may dedicate an entire thirty minutes to learning some simple Japanese words (before coming to the conclusion that they are retarded). Usually resulting in them perfecting the pronunciation of ‘Kawaii’. A word that makes me physically cringe it’s so embarrassing to be heard. It’s supposed to mean ‘cute’ in Japanese, but according to real Japanese people, no one would say it except for girls under the age of 10.

Weeaboos spend much of their time bitching and moaning about the country they live in, and constantly go on about how they “WANT TO GO TO JAPAN!!1! T_T”.
    Little do they know that a substantial amount of Japanese people cannot tolerate foreigners, especially Americans. I shouldn’t need to tell you why, but I’ll give you a hint; The Americans sent something their way about 60 years ago which pissed the Japanese off good. So as a result they may have an inherent hatred of most westerners.

Now, even though it is a small thing it irritates me to no end. The emoticons and symbols they use on the internet.

Some samples;

O_o

^.^

^_^

>.>

I can just picture the people sat behind their screens trying to pull faces like these in the hope of looking ‘Kawaii‘, but results in them look like a disfigured freak.

I Also feel the Show ‘Naruto’ deserves its own section of this moan, as it is a great example of everything I hate about the anime-fandom.

Naruto is an anime ‘show’ about a load of trans-gender Ninjas who also have animal spirits or some shit (who wear orange jump suits, which completely defeats the object of not-been-seen.).
    The basic plot of the show entails the main characters to engage in homosexual sex, spout out a load of shit and fiddle with their fingers like children. So of course, given this, it’s hard to imagine how the show has lasted 300 episodes.

Regardless of these facts, the show has somehow amassed a huge fan-base of balding middle aged Americans and sexually experimental 18 year olds. Of course, the instant you speak out about this shit, all of them go batshit crazy and attempt (but fail) to prove that Japan is superior in every way to any other country. They believe this, even though they have never been to Japan and are too stupid to read a book about it.

Your typical Naruto fan.

They also claim to eat tradition Japanese cuisine, which to their knowledge is sushi and Burger king.

Also note- Anyone over the age of 13 who willingly watches ‘Naruto’ on a regular basis should dig a hole and starve there.

FF7 fans were begging on their knees like panting dogs after the enjoyable assfuck they recieved with the gay they now stalk. Fans have rejected the cocks of ff8, ff9, ff1 and ff10 2 hoping for the two dice double penentration of another ff7.

Advent children then came. And it came right into the mouths of the thirsty whore fans. However, this salty taste was not taken by all as something delicious and easy to swallow. Others spat it, and stormed out like and angry hooker.

I however, ducked.

6/10

Reminder: Use rantingsofanenglishman.co.nr if you’re too lazy to type in the longer URL. 

I am sick of coming across this site over and over again. Every fucking social page you can imagine has some pillock who took the time to find out what flavour dick he was or what pokemon would they prefer to be raped by. There is nothign wrong with making quizs but when you thorw naruto into the mix like everythign else on the face of this earth it becomes shit crusted and sticks of horney ten years olds ranting on forums about how naruto is pronouced. i will tell you how its pronounced “CUNT” or “twatface” for short. This site use naruto as a fucking example when u got ot make a quiz thats how many of these shitty quizes they are.
Another problem with shitzilla is that once u get set up to write out  anice little quiz witch your convinced is going to be awesome you realise its a tedious and dull and you had no real ideas in the first place. Now am not sayin that we should blam this site or the people who made it because like the halo seris and the gamecube it was made twatish by its fan base bieng mindless cockjockeys. No, instead i suggest we collect all naruto fans together and enitiate a mass Battle Royale. If you unsure about what i mean when i say battle royale you deserve to be in it yourself…
wiki it if you must.

.akco.

Just a short one this time, as I’ve got a lot on at the moment.

Why is that people, or companies in particular always say things like “GMT (pst +8)” when referring to time. This could be for t.v shows being aired, release times etc. But I say they should stop doing this shit.

I say that everyone on the planet should have a clock in their houses or work place which is set to GMT. You know why? Because the greenwich meridian is the centre of time, space and the universe itself. In this case it should say “PST(gmt-8)” then GMT in its own right.

England is not ‘behind’ or ‘ahead’ of other parts of the world. Everyone else is behind or ahead of us. So stop being so fucking selfish.

10: insurence/compesation adverts.
       My dear friends in the insurence/compensation companys you seem to have mistaken me for an absolute cunt. this isnt america  we arnt bothered on sueing unless we are actualy poor and dying and even then we feel bad. so we dont need to hear anythign about no win no fee or watch catchy jingles of cheaply animated soilders attempting to sell me shit i dont want or need

9: Bad directing
It really doesnt help when todays films seem to lack more and more imagination and some of the best films and tv seris go under the rader compleatly. For example in 2004 and show called Garth meranghi’s Dark Place was released on channel four. Alot of the cast form the popular show I.T crowd was featured in it. This she was a master piece of directing and inovation and absolute genius. now lets compare this to lets say the O.C? pffft its idiocy. LOST has good direction, Dexter has good direction but thats where the list ends which leads me nicely on to the next topic.

8: Hollyoaks
Who doesnt want to die a little inside after watching what could be loosely described as a tv show? i mean i personaly look forward ot finding out just how much more wooden can acting truely get or how much more ridiculas the storyline can warp but take itself seriously. But if that doesnt interest you blam this show, my god… why do people still watch this? skins is around now you can get your poxy teenage story fix there and at least skins had a fiarly compotent writer….well when it started anyway.

7: lion king 2
Along with shops stopping selling pokemon cereal (unargualbly the greatist in all cereal in all the land) and the lead singer of system of a down shaving off his beard this film was one of many things that should never have happend.

6: The ginger women from the apprentice.
some people you just want to hit, others you just want to smother. this women how ever would leave you unsatifyed with those two choices. Her face leaves you alone with the option to skin her alive roast her belonging and go rob your nearist WHSmiths out of rage.

5: Getting half way through a list of ten and realising you barely have five
its frustrating but i dont care and niether do you.

4: The number 3
I dont care what you see its not magic its not special its not anything except annoying and odd.

3: The holy trinity
Dont claim to be monolythic when your god has three personalitys.

2: Give us proper food back please.
Listern, if i am to pay £2 or more for something to eat I dont want you telling me it has 25% less anything. I payed good fucking money for that, I want all the fat, all the suger, and everything else.

1: Being bored and the ‘I before E rule’
Being bored leads to watching,writing and being generally stupid. The ‘i before e’ rule leads to eternal frustration and more than likley murder sometime in later life where you reach the point of “Oh bugger it” and burn down a chip shop and kill all your neighbours with a golf club.

LOLPWNEDNOOB
.akco.

I’l get this out of the way first, I couldn’t give two shits either way about animal rights and probably never will. So to any animal rights activists, you might want to read my opinion on your idiotic agenda.

But, before you apes start throwing your newly dumped shit at me, that means I don’t encourage the abuse of animals or care about their wellbeing. I do enjoy eating them however, but thats a different matter.

I was reading around on the interbutts a few days ago after I saw that video of a US soldier throwing a dog off a cliff. When I came accross one of those bullshit web-sites which BAWWWW about animals being tested/abused.

It mostly contained stuff about how its evil, they never could defend themselves etc, etc… Which is all well and good, I suppose.  
The most interesting parts I found were the comments left on the page, the first of which I deemed worthy to distinguish was:

“i hope the muthafuckas who did that to those poor animals burn in hell i would cut their dicks off and give em a kick in that face honestly i have a dog and i love it i would never do that lets stop those bitches”

Firstly, note the terrible spelling and grammar which seems common on the intertubes now-a-days, which is basicly a warning sign which says ‘Stay clear, dick-hole in the vacinity.’

But, regarding to their actual comment. Am I the only one who notices how idiotic and foolish this statement makes them sound? You want to stop animal abuse by torturing and killing people?
     I for one, usually value the life of a human over any animal, which is basic instinct, you know the whole ’species-not-dying-out’ idea.

I also love the part were they say ‘lets stop those bitches’. As if they are going to do something about it. Most animal rights activists never do fuck all for their cause, yet demand appreciation for their view on the subject.

I actually found someone who I might aggree with on the matter:

“I realy think we should address the human suffering in the world before we address the animal suffering.”

Which is, more or less my opinion (so that means it’s right). This comment caused a shit ton of idiots to spurt out their repeated arguments, and threaten to kill him etc, etc. But it doesn’t make this comment any less right, If 1 animal can stop the death of thousands of humans, then why the hell not test on it? Yeah, maybe the animal doesn’t have a say , but they aren’t intelligent creatures therefore they can’t ’suffer’ as such.

PETA can spend as long as they like praying to, or marrying their animals as they like. They can’t do shit to stop animal testing/general abuse.